If you are thinking of having children, or on the verge of giving birth, you might want to take note of this post. Consider this my way of preparing you for the real world
Your baby showers will be filled with giddy women, exuberant and unwanted belly rubs, silly games, cute little booties and maybe even a giant stuffed teddy bear. Regardless, of what elements you have at your showers, it's all a big giant lie. All of it. The cute, jovial and head in the clouds feeling lasts for 24-36 hours after you give birth. Once you leave the hospital, the "It's a Boy/Girl" flowers die, the balloons deflate and you look down at the sagging remnants of your belly, the uber-sweet elation dies.
Replacing the feelings of elation are breastfeeding woes and feeling like someone is sucking needles out of your nipples. This will cause you to become more familiar with your nippular region than you ever wanted. Then, of course, there is that black tar-looking newborn poop that you have never seen the likes of before and, if unprepared, could cause serious chest pains. Soon that stuff is replaced with nasty runny orange poop and you will actually sigh in relief. Then there are the newborn screams that rattle your nerves and cause feelings of confusion and then you might call yourself a horrible mother and at some point exclaim "THIS BABY HATES ME!". Then, everyone tells you "It's just gas" and you dream of dismembering their bodies and storing them in your chest freezer.
These are all things they don't tell you in BABY101 class. It is a conspiracy to keep it from the parents-to-be because they just might reconsider having kids. Then, who would buy all the pink booties, and blue baby bonnets? Hmmm? Exactly. Only the freaks with odd fetishes.
So, now that I have enlightened you on the first month of rearing a child, allow me to go into further detail and take you into the toddler years. And know this, babies, ages 0-12 months (depending on when they start walking)
, are MUCH EASIER THAN TODDLERS! Trust me.
And now for my,
Toddler Years, A Pictorial Evolution of Sorts
You will end up buying more batteries in 2 months than you ever have in your entire life. My advice, keep a bunch on hand, in EVERY size, in an easily accessible drawer.
Diaper boxes will soon replace furniture, double as furniture and work great for storing old kids clothes that no longer fit them. If left unmonitored they could take over your home.
If you have a dog, check him daily for food stuck in the fur. If he has long hair this might be a lengthy process. My advice is to either buy a short-haired dog, shave the dog or don't own a dog.
Doorways will no longer be free passages from one room to another. Instead they will become nothing more than toll gates in your own home. You will trip over them. You will bruise your shins repeatedly on them and you will loathe them, soon after installation.
Your guest room will turn into this.
You will need to keep these tools at the ready at ALL TIMES! My advice is to keep a full range of screwdrivers in every room. Blame it on the thousands of children's toys you'll have in your home.
...will soon be replaced with these.
Potty training for boys. Enough said.
I will leave you with these thoughts.
Labels: daily life, photos, PSA